Anxiety attacks come in different form for each individual. Although, experts have formed definitions and descriptions of symptoms, those who experience it have our very own version of it. Why they come, whether sudden and swift or gradually and long, some of us may not know. For me, I only found out recently the cause of my mild attacks. Anxiety is a strange thing. Even the simplest of things may bring on one. Things so simple that some may laugh and chastise us for even worrying about it. But only our bodies know how such a simple thing cripples our body. May be the reason that I had an abundance of it the moment I was born is probably why it causes me anxiety. My childhood and throughout my teenage years as well as my college days were spent in a blur of a variety of IT. Sound like a drug?… hmph. Maybe it is. But this drug does not cause me pleasure. It causes my body such discomfort that most of the time one of the symptoms I experience is bowel movement. Funny is it? Yeah well, to each her own. As I am writing this, I am experiencing a mild attack. I am supposed to be marking exam papers but I just cannot focus at all. Another symptom I have is butterflies in my stomach. As a result, when I am anxious, it’s as though I am constantly nervous. Nervous for no absolute reason at all. No up-coming exam, no blind date, no medical check up, no??…. I am just nervous. That would lead to poor appetite. I wouldn’t be able to swallow anything because my stomach is cooking up a storm. So, I am hungry but unable to even take a small bite. And so, because I can’t feed myself; sometimes the entire day, I feel faint and weak. So, sometimes, I force feed myself just to get through work and the day. This also means I would have gastric at the end of the day.
My worst attack came last year in the month September/October of 08. This was one of my defining moments when I realize the actual cause of my attacks. During that 2 weeks, I lost sleep and the even the will to perform daily tasks like shower and brush my teeth. Even my close girl friend from work, constantly commented that I look like a wilted vegetable despite my efforts to conceal what was going on with me. This attack squeezed my very core. At night, when I couldn’t sleep, I screamed to God for relief. To undo the reason for my anxiety. To change the inevitable that I knew was coming. But, relief only came two weeks later when my mind and body resigned to accept the situation. Those two weeks were my darkest. There was a constant black cloud hanging over me. I literally could feel the weight of it on shoulder. Even after that one day when the same girl friend caught me in a weak moment and I wept out everything to her, I still felt the remnants of the blackness that surrounded me.
My only way of dealing with this liability is to push all my strength in controlling the thoughts in my head. And keep praying of course. My entire strength bank is used up to attempt to control my mind as it loses control over my body. At times, it works. At other times, it is all in vain. I pray so much that it almost sounds like chanting, hoping God will help me battle this Eve, inside of me.
The-Eve-In-Me 